Continued.

You guys are so awesome.  So much nice and supportive feedback.  I am so lucky to have this crazy outlet and opportunity to hear from so many of you.  So I’m gonna do something I never really do, which is talk about blogging. 

For some reason I feel like taking about blogging is really awkward.  I’m not really sure why – obviously everyone here knows I write a blog.  But writing it and writing about it feel very different to me.  Anyway, here goes.

Here’s the thing about writing and blogging.  I think it’s really easy for things that are really sort of a small thing to come across as a BIG DEAL through words.  Between writing here and on Babble, I probably average writing a thousand-ish words each day.  It’s easy for small things to look blown out of proportion.  And the person responsible for that is definitely me, but I’m human, and sometimes it’s what ends up happening.

Here’s the other thing.  I think my writing has changed a lot this year.  Some for the better – I’m a lot more introspective.  Some probably not – I’m also a lot more filtered.  Since I’ve become a mom, I’ve found myself really pulling back in some areas – feeling fiercely protective of my family and our privacy.  Then stop writing about your life online.  I know, easy problem to solve, right?

But I love writing!  And I’m not ready to stop just yet.  I’m just finding that I only feel comfortable sharing bits and pieces, and less of the whole picture than I used to a few years ago when I was younger and perhaps a bit more…free.  But the problem becomes just that – I’m only showing a part of the picture.  It’s one of those confusing things that I’m aware of, but I’m also unsure of how to fix it. 

And here’s another thing while I’m at it.  Sometimes I think I feel guilty about how good I have it.  I spend all day hanging out with what is arguably the cutest baby in the world (in my unbiased opinion), meeting friends for lunch and play dates, sitting by the water on sunny days, and still having the freedom to contribute to my family on my own terms, and by my own rules.  I find myself wanting to write about things we do or things we see, and I pull back because I worry I will sound like I’m bragging.  Or worse, ungrateful.  And it’s neither of those things – I’m just living this strange, evolving life in a new role I wasn’t sure I’d have, in a city I never thought I’d live in.  It’s not always great, but a lot of the time it is.

And so instead, what happens is I gloss over a lot of the good stuff.  I don’t photograph the really delicious meals that are made after sunset, because I hate overhead lighting and I don’t want ugly pictures.  And I don’t talk about how my friends came over and baked cookies at my house all afternoon and I laughed until my sides hurt.  And most of the time, I don’t post anything at all because I don’t want to miss all the good stuff happening around me.

But then a bad day happens, or we have a long week, and I get into a funk.  Casey is gone and I have too much time alone and in my head, and that’s of course when I end up running to the keyboard.  So I end up painting a picture that is probably the ugliest Instagram filter of how things really look.

So I’m going to try to stop doing that.  I don’t like feeling censored, and I think that is the direction that I accidentally veered off into.  And I hope that for what it’s worth, you guys know that I appreciate the (constructive) criticism here just as much as the compliments.  I know there are writers that turn their heads to complaints, but feedback is feedback, and I’m pretty proud of the community that we’ve fostered here. 

Please also realize that this isn’t an apology.  I’m not regretting what I posted last night.  My only regret is that I didn’t post Monday and tell you about the delicious dinner we ate.  And I didn’t post Tuesday and tell you about how we met one of my college friends for coffee, and then I dropped my entire lunch on the ground when I took it out of the microwave.  And yesterday, I should have told you that we went to a fun music thing where Cullen waved scarves and shook shaker eggs and it was adorable.

And this isn’t a big thing.  It’s just a thing, and I’m writing about it, because that’s what I do – I write.  And as even as exciting as our lives are at times, they aren’t always filled with BIG things.  There are lots of little things in between.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, or what triggered it.  Just something I’ve been thinking about the past few weeks, as posts have been staggered and felt just a little bit..emptier to me recently.  Sigh.  I think that I think too much. 

See what I mean?  Isn’t writing about blogging totally awkward?  That’s enough for now.  I promise I won’t do it again.  Can’t write a post without a photo though.

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If only we all had this much joy every day.