I haven’t written much about running recently.  I also haven’t done much running recently.  Hence the nothing to report.

Even though in general I think I have the hang of this whole parenting thing, each week Casey and I inevitably end up sitting down trying to figure out what we can do better, and how we can become more efficient and aware of our time and each other’s needs.  With just the two of us out here in Seattle, we have to work hard to coordinate our schedules to ensure that we’re both finding enough time for work, workouts, personal time, and time together.

I would be lying if I told you it was easy.  And I won’t pretend that I am not jealous of other moms with nearby support and family that is easily accessible.  So many other moms with babies around Cullen’s age (and younger!) are back to racing on weekends.  I’m still trying to figure out how to even train for a race, and I’m already worrying about who will watch Cullen for a race we are both running at the end of June!

When we both decided to train for spring races (me running a half marathon, Casey running a full), we talked about how we could fit it all in despite our lack of childcare.  (Let me jump in to say that I am working on getting some occasional childcare hopefully soon, but this is how we’re managing in the meantime.) 

Our plan for mid-week runs was that Casey would workout during his workday (at his office gym), and I would do my runs with the jogging stroller during the day.  (We have a treadmill at home, but I can’t run on it while I’m home with Cullen – his naps are 30 minutes tops.) 

On weekends, we would trade off with him running Saturday, and me running Sunday.  And so for the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to get out for as many runs as possible while pushing this beast of a stroller.

A number of people have asked me to write a review of our BOB stroller.  In short, I love it.  I would highly recommend it.  We knew that we only wanted one all-purpose stroller, and so far this one has met all of our needs.  My only complaint is really geared toward running with a stroller in general – not really a fault of this particular brand.

Running with a running stroller is really hard.  You know those moms who cruise down the road with the double jogger, barely even breaking a sweat?  I am convinced they are actually superheros in disguise.

I knew that I was majorly out of shape, having taken close to a year off of running (during my pregnancy).  But pushing a jogging stroller while running makes me feel like I have weights tied to my ankles.  Even so, I have pushed forward and waddled my way around the lake at a snail’s pace several times a week. 

The jogging stroller is a full body workout – burning core, jello-like legs, and weakened arms from pushing forward the 50+ pounds of baby necessities.  Not to mention, running with a stroller forces you to develop an entirely new running stride – one that leans forward and only uses one arm at a time.  Not exactly natural.

So the point of all of this is to tell you that I came to a realization this weekend.  I love taking Cullen out for our daily walks, and even for casual I kind of feel like running today types of jogs.  But trying to train for a race while exclusively running with a stroller just simply doesn’t work.  I’m sure there are other moms out there who have done it, but it’s just not happening for me.

I was supposed to run seven miles on Sunday – just me and Beyoncé out on the trail.  But Casey got called into work and so I had to figure out how to make that work along with my sidekick. 

Don’t be fooled – he wasn’t actually asleep as this picture suggests.  At the point when my window to run opened up, Cullen was wide awake and ready to make my run as adventurous as possible.  He showed off his newest skill, tossing toys out of the stroller left and right.  Once that wore off, he cried for his pacifier every other minute or so, just often enough to make sure I didn’t get into any sort of running rhythm. 

I’m exaggerating a little here of course, but it was during that run that I realized that training and babysitting do not go hand in hand.  If I want to be a casual runner and go for jogs with Cullen, that is absolutely fine.  But if I want to set goals and train for races, I need to be able to do that on my own.

The biggest problem I have when I’m out for my runs with Cullen is that I spend the entire time completely focused on him.  Is he crying?  Where is his toy?  Did his blanket slip down?  Does he seem cold?  And heaven forbid if it starts raining. 

But what I need to be able to do for just a few short hours each week, is truly and completely focus on ME.  I need to be thinking about my pace and my stride.  I need to look forward to climbing new hills and reaching new mileage.  And I need to be able to lose myself in my headphones without worrying that I won’t be able to hear my baby cry if he needs me.

And so once again, I sat down with Casey to revise our plan and figure out how to be better, more efficient, and how to make it work.  I’m going to start doing my runs as soon as Casey gets home in the evenings.  With summer on its way, there is plenty of evening light now, so I can run in early evening while Casey gets some alone time with Cullen.  If I leave right away, I can make it back before his bedtime.  And if the weather doesn’t cooperate, I can always retreat down to the treadmill so that I can still log some miles. 

We’re going to give this a shot and see how it goes.  We both really want to support each other as parents, but also as individuals.  I don’t really feel like I have much of an individual identity these days, and I’m hoping to get a bit of that back by recapturing a sport I used to love so much. 

But it’s also entirely possible that the most realistic solution at this point in my life is to acknowledge that perhaps training for races does not work right now.  I’m okay with that.  I would much rather accept that than continue to feel frustrated by setting unrealistic goals.

We’ll see how it goes.  I love going out for long walks with Cullen every day – showing him new sights, new smells, and stimulating him with plenty of voices and faces.  And I still think we’ll run together here and there when the weather is nice.  But going forward, I’m going to do my best to get on the trail by myself just a few short hours each week.  It’s better for all of us. 

I have about six weeks to pull myself into half-marathon shape.  That’s a tall order to say the least, given my current level of fitness.  But I’m still motivated and determined, and as I’ve learned in my many years of running in the past – that part is half the battle. 

For the past four months, I’ve pretty much been living one day at a time.  Sometimes even one hour at a time.  I’ve mentioned it here before, but it has not been easy transitioning to life as parents with our family being so far away.  I knew it would be hard to not have help when we made the decision to come out here.  Still, I never knew that a thirty year old could miss her mom so much. 

So when my mom came to Seattle for my birthday last weekend, I took advantage of having two extra hands in the house.  It was a win-win for me, as it allowed me to do some things I had put off for months, all the while knowing that Cullen was being snuggled by someone who loves him to pieces. 

I spent most of the weekend just hanging out with my mom and talking, while she rocked, cuddled, and soothed my little teething baby.  In my typical day to day (hour to hour) survival mode, I don’t think I realized just how much I try to juggle on my own.  Suddenly with extra hands on deck, I realized what a difference a little help can make. 

My mom suggested that while she was there, Casey and I go do something we never get to do together anymore.  And the first thing that popped into my mind was one of the things I have missed the most since October – going to the gym.  I hadn’t gone in five long months, and I have been really missing my former strength and muscles.  This was the perfect opportunity to get back to it!

While I was there, I talked to the front desk lady about bringing Cullen into their Kids Klub (he is just now old enough).  Knowing he was safe and sound at home with Grandma, I hit the treadmill for an hour of running followed by a light weight set – OUCH.  It left me sore for days, but it also left me with something else – the realization that I need to start taking time for myself. 

I don’t want to sound like a victim or martyr or anything even close, because I absolutely love my life as a mom.  But as I’ve learned to navigate my new role, I’ve kept my head afloat by focusing on the needs of those around me.  Each day I make sure Cullen is taken care of, my work is done, my dogs are fed and exercised, my house is picked up and relatively clean, and I get a bit of free time to hang out with Casey.  Add in the fact that Cullen still won’t take a bottle, and it doesn’t really leave me with any time for – well, me. 

Being at the gym running and working my body again, I felt a burst of energy that I haven’t felt in so long.  I realized how much I miss the satisfaction that comes from a great, hard workout.  Right then I made up my mind that I would make my triumphant (solo) return to the gym this week, and that Cullen would have his first experience with childcare.

After taking care of Cullen alone these past two days, along with taking care of poor sick Casey, I was more than ready for a break this morning.  I laced up my gym shoes, packed Cullen up with a full belly and some favorite toys, and we headed over to the gym.

I signed up for the Kids Klub program, and checked him in with the very young and very sleepy childcare worker.  I did my best to not be a ridiculous overprotective mom, and limited myself to only telling her a few small details.  On my way out the door she asked, “does he like watching TV…?”  Somewhat surprised, I reminded her that he is four months old.  I wasn’t expecting child educators to be working at the gym or any such thing, but I did think they would at least have general experience with babies.

Determined to not be crazy and judgmental, I handed him over and hopped on a treadmill.  I felt liberated.  This was it!  This was what I needed – a solution to finding that “me time” for just a few short hours each week, that would leave me recharged and help me get back in shape.

As I plodded along, I kept seeing people pass me in the corner of my eye.  And as each person approached, I assumed it would be the childcare girl coming to get me because Cullen was melting down.  But of course, people continued to pass and Cullen was just fine.  I told myself to relax and just enjoy the time alone and focus on my run.

Just after mile two, a familiar face popped up next to my treadmill.  The childcare girl, informing me that Cullen had been crying the whole time and she didn’t know what to do.  And just like that, my plan unraveled. 

I hopped off and ran back to the Kids Klub, where I found Cullen whimpering and falling asleep in another girl’s arms.  She said something like “I think he’s tired, he’s falling asleep now,” as she handed him over to me.  I felt frustrated that three childcare workers (and he was the only kid there) weren’t able to soothe a baby to sleep.  But at the same time, I guess it’s not fair to expect them to know his individual cues and signals.

By the time we got to the car, he was sound asleep. 

He snoozed peacefully while I drove home frustrated, barely sweaty, and totally defeated.  I’m determined not to give up though.  I know that Cullen needs to be willing to separate from me, just as much as I need a bit of time to myself here and there.  I don’t really have a plan yet, but I’m going to go back to my gym and try again.  I refuse to quit after one bad experience.  I’m thinking I might try leaving next time while he is napping, so that he’s most likely to be happy when he wakes up and easy to please.

If necessary, I’ll consider looking for a different gym with a childcare system better suited for babies (this one seemed more geared toward older children).  I feel like I know what I need to do to give myself a break, but every time I try to make it happen I get knocked back down.  The whole bottle refusal thing really makes things tricky. 

He sure is lucky he’s so damn cute.